Today’s post is the testimony of Tim Barbee. Tim is the homeless relations director for Unsheltered International. He does a great job! He has a heart for the broken because he himself was broken. Here is his story.
I trusted Jesus when I was 19, right after that, life happened. I went oversees in the army where drinking was just as natural to people as breathing, and I acquired the commonness of it. In 6 years, I met many people, made some friendships that stuck, and some that passed by with the motion of the job, traveling where ever it took me. And as it goes, I got wrapped up in those who had grown tired with the excitement of drinking and I was introduced to things such as coke, acid, and mushrooms.
Years passed as they often do, with no grace, or patients and I find myself out of the military, divorced, away from my three children, living in Maine, homeless, sort of just wandering, coddled with the comfort of my drugs. Thinking I had a handle on things, loose as the grip may have been, I picked up what little I had and moved to Florida, found a job, and tried to work things out with my ex-wife, who eventually tired of the life, went to a rehab, and soon after, tired of me. So I find myself just as lost as I was before, jobless and homeless, but still wrapped up tight in the comfort of the drugs, who would never tell me I was no good, would never leave me, would love and comfort me, just so long as I loved them.
So I tried again, I got another job, a place of my own. However, I couldn’t manage to afford the apartment and my addictions together, and one had to go. So I moved in on an offer I couldn’t pass up, renting a room at the house of my dealer. It doesn’t get better than that. It did however get worse, in fact, in that fog of time there, I managed to pushed my greatest joys away, my kids, they were no longer my loves in life, it was the fix I should have been getting, the search for money to get it, it was just a vicious cycle and I sank deeper and deeper into it, and into a depression, in which in my mind condoned, or somehow made it ok, the more drugs I took, the more drinks I had, It consumed me.
I believe I got too close to the hand that fed me, and the whole perfect set up I had, just turned around and bit me right in the rear. The paranoia sets in when someone looks at you funny, or something comes up missing, and he or she gets blamed on what did or didn’t happened and you did or didn’t see it, or whatever it was, the drugs will do that to you. Either way I wasn’t welcome, safe or comfortable anymore, and my dream life, was all that it had ever really been, just a dream.
From there I went from living in my car, a tent here a tent there, miscellaneous couches, just trying to keep my job, so I could keep my habit. Like clockwork, I would wind up in jail, for doing something stupid. My life seemed to be just a mess of lost and broken dreams. I could have taken my life in such a different direction, instead I would find myself yearly, wrapped in the same web I weaved.
During the holidays especially, I’d find myself lonelier than any other average day of the year, those were the days I yearned for the children laughing, moms cooking, the jumble conversation of family gathered from all corners and walks of life, and true companionship. Instead I was surrounded by hundreds of people who only cared about what they could get from you, and what you would do to benefit from you, surrounded by hundreds of people just like me, lonelier than I had ever been. I served no purpose in life. I was drowning in my own mistakes, the worst part is that I had no one to blame except myself.
From a standpoint, nothing I was doing would cause anything better in my life, but I suppose if you fall enough, you’re going to have to get back up somewhere.
The last time I went to jail, broke me, the moment I walked out of there and back into the life I created for myself, I broke, I cried and prayed and cried and prayed for God to take the vice out of my life, take the drugs and all the wrong I had done, and use me, for something good, make me worth something.
I found myself humbled and calling my family for support, and they did just that, they came, all the way to me, just to bring me home. They’ll never know the depths of my struggles, but as parents do, unconditionally they loved me, and they gave me the start I needed to try again. In the year that I lived with them, after detoxing, I found a job, reconnected with my oldest daughter who consequentially I hadn’t spoken to in roughly 11 years.
She invited me to her church. Where, I would rededicate my life to God. . I would find myself surrounded by people more genuine than I ever thought existed, people with true love and compassion. People that wanted to love me, as much as I wanted to be loved. Sometimes more than I deserved.
I’ve never been more sure of where I am in my life than I am now; I know God is using me. I have no idea what he’s got planned for my days, but they are numbered in his name. I find myself just three short years later, working on mending relationships with my other two children, married to a wonderful understanding wife, and provided with a purpose in life, working with the homeless ministry.
If you’re lonely and stuck in a cycle, you’re not alone, there are people out there like you, who have walked where you’ve walked, and know exactly what you’re going through. There are also people out there who want to talk to you, want to help. Please don’t ever think that the lowest is what you were made for, the bible says “every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low; and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough places plain.” Isaiah 40:4
